Three Small Words
by Cherry Blossom
Summary: CHAPTER SEVEN POSTED! Duo is willing to throw his relationship with Heero away for the lack of just three small words. But will his decision end up destroying them both? YAOI-1x2 and 3x4 (hints of 5+2)
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: If I owned Gundam Wing there would be a lot more butt shots of Zechs and Trowa with his shirt off in the series…

Disclaimer: If I owned Gundam Wing there would be a lot more butt shots of Zechs and Trowa with his shirt off in the series…

Warnings: This is a yaoi story. That means there are homosexual relationships apparent. So if you don't like that sort of thing I suggest you go read another fic. If you still insist on reading despite the warning, I will not be held responsible for what you see. That means that any flames I receive on the subject (I have yet to be flamed for homosexual pairings in my fics believe it or not!) will be subsequently laughed at and ignored. Understood? Good. Let's get to the fic.

Musical Inspiration: Among other things, Lisa Loeb's _Do You Sleep_ lyrics are scattered throughout the thing and Bush's _Chemicals Between Us_ also had a hand in creating this fic.

Author's Notes: I know. Everybody hates Author's Notes. Let's just skip it then. If I have anything to say I'll do it at the end.

Three Little Words

"Well," Duo said, stretching his arms up over his head with an exaggerated yawn, "I'm beat. I think I'll just head off to bed now."

"Duo?" Quatre looked at the braided pilot questioningly. It was only nine o'clock, hardly time for bed, and he had never know Duo to go to sleep early if he didn't have to get up the next morning. 

But the self-proclaimed Shinigami had been acting strange recently and Quatre had an idea that it had something to do with a certain Perfect Soldier. There was an obvious rift between the two pilots that had been growing wider for the past couple of days.

Still, Heero had not taken to avoiding Duo like he usually did and there were no loud screaming matches that ended with slamming doors as was prone to happen when Duo lost his temper. In fact there had been almost no dialogue between the two at all, which in itself was strange. From what Quatre could see, Duo was not even trying to get back together with Heero this time. Maybe, this time, Duo was avoiding Heero.

'But that's silly,' Quatre told himself. 'Duo can't stay mad at Heero for more then a day. What could he have done to make him so angry?'

Quatre turned his attention to the cobalt-eyed pilot, who was, in turn, watching Duo stretch and walk out of the room. He caught something, a flash of hurt, in the boy's eyes before his stony demeanor returned and he resumed the task of writing up a mission's report. 

But after a few moments the report seemed to lose interest for Heero and he also got up and left the room, not bothering to excuse himself or wish those that remained a good evening. Quatre watched him leave and felt a small twinge of apprehension. His shoulders tensed in response, alerting the uni-banged boy beside him that all was not well.

"What's wrong?" Trowa asked softly, placing a gentle hand on the juncture between Quatre's neck and collarbone. The tension faded a bit at that touch and Quatre smiled gratefully up at the other pilot, trying to push the foreboding he had into the back of his mind. He had no wish to worry his love and besides, it was only a bad feeling. There was no real reason to feel apprehensive.

"Nothing Trowa. I'm fine."

Trowa frowned, his brow creasing slightly as he watched the blonde's face. Quatre's smiled was genuine, but faded; as if he couldn't let himself hope that things would stay peaceful for long.

"Are you sure?" 

Quatre sighed, knowing that his green-eyed lover wouldn't let this go so easily. Trowa was always very perceptive, especially when it came to Quatre, and he had a persistence that put even Catherine to shame.

'Must be a hereditary trait,' Quatre thought to himself, forcing his muscles to relax and turning to face his lover.

"I'm sure," he said positively. Then, getting an idea, he placed a warm hand on the back of Trowa's neck and brought his other one up to cup his cheek. Letting his voice take on a seductive tone, Quatre smiled and whispered, "I'm always fine when you're around."

Cheeks pinking slightly, Trowa drew the smaller boy into his lap and bent his head down to deliver a tender kiss on his parted waiting lips. Knowing that this would only delay Trowa's questions, Quatre let himself fall into the kiss, concentrating only on the moist warmth that seemed bent on taking his breath away. Heero and Duo could wait until morning. For now, nothing else mattered but making Trowa happy. 

//Do you eat, sleep, do you breathe me anymore?

Do you sleep, do you count sheep anymore?

Do you sleep anymore?//

Duo stripped his shirt off and threw it into a rumpled heap on the floor, not caring where it landed. Feeling the cool night breeze filtering in from the open window across his bare chest, Duo shivered. Funny how the nights didn't seem so cold when Heero was sharing his bed.

Banishing that unwanted thought, Duo took the end of his braid in his hands and eased the elastic off the bottom, wincing when a few tangled strands refused to be coaxed out and had to be ripped from his head. Free of its constraint, the heavy rope of chestnut unwound itself quickly, falling about his shoulders in soft waves. Discarding the elastic on the dresser, Duo took up his brush and started to ease the snarls out of his hair, humming absently a tune he couldn't remember the words to.

Outside the door Duo heard a muffled step and his brush paused as his whole body tensed. He knew who it was instantly but when the shadow behind the door continued to stand silently outside the room, Duo returned to his task with easily feigned nonchalance. The routine would follow again tonight as it had for the past two weeks, ever since Duo had refused to let Heero into his bed, into his life. 

Once his hair was suitably brushed out, Duo plaited it once more, feeling the muscles in his shoulders scream out by the time he had put the tie around the end. He remembered a time when Heero would braid his hair for him, pressing tickling kisses to his shoulder blades while he worked, listening to Duo chatter about his day…

'Weak!_'_ Duo berated himself. 'Don't let him get to you like that. It means nothing. _Nothing_.'

Forcing himself to ignore that presence just outside the door, Duo turned the sheets back on the bed and slid into them, feeling the heat of his body warm the cool sheets. Leaning over to the end table, he snapped to light off, settling down into the covers in a semblance of sleep. 

//Do you take plight on my tongue like lead?

Do you fall gracefully into bed anymore?//

With eyes closed tight, Duo waited for the first sounds that would alert him to Heero's arrival. He knew he wouldn't have to wait long. Only a couple minutes passed before the door creaked open slowly and muffled steps fell on the soft carpet as Heero padded over to the bed.

It was always the same. Duo would pretend to be asleep and Heero would come and sit on the corner of the bed, just watching him until the tension in the room could be felt like static electricity, and he would speak, demanding to know why Duo was acting this way.

'As if you didn't already know the reason why,' Duo thought bitterly, huddling deeper under the covers. He felt Heero's eyes upon him and had to force himself to keep his eyes shut and his breathing normal. He felt the air change around him and knew that Heero was now on the other side of his bed. When the breeze trickled through the window again it smelled faintly of gunpowder… 

Duo felt the weight settle on the bed near his feet and knew Heero was sitting there, looking at him. He could almost picture the exact expression of frustration and anger on the Perfect Soldier's face, knowing that if he were to open his eyes he would see it, just like that.

//I saw you as you walked across my room.

You looked out the window, you looked at the moon.

And you sat on the corner of my bed, and

you smoked with the ghost in the back of my head.//

Silence reverberated around the room, echoing off the walls, mocking the two pilots. Patiently, Duo waited for what he knew would eventually come. He waited for Heero to speak.

He did not have to wait long.

"I know you're awake."

Much faster this time. Heero had barely been in the room five minutes. Last time it had taken an hour for Heero to break the silence. 

'He must be getting desperate,' was Duo's thought.

'Good.'

"I know you're awake," Heero repeated. "I know you hear me. So why are you still pretending?"

"Maybe what you're saying isn't what I want to hear."

'Mistake!' Duo's head screamed at him. 'You aren't supposed to talk back. You've broken the cycle. He knows he's got you now.'

Duo bit his bottom lip and kept his eyes shut, resolving to keep that part of the ritual constant at least. He was allowed one lapse. It wouldn't happen again. He wasn't going back this time. Not this time.

Warm breath clouded on his cheek and he felt Heero move over him, not touching, but close, oh so very close. If he raised his head Duo would bump noses with him, he was sure of it.

"Duo," Heero whispered, drawing the name out slowly like he tasting it on his tongue, "Duo, don't you think these games have gone on long enough? Why don't you just tell me what you want."

"You know what I want," Duo muttered, his own voice raw with unshed tears. "And you won't give it to me."

Duo felt a hand trace his cheek and had to restrain himself from leaning into the touch.

'Don't give in, don't give in, don't give in,' he chanted inside his head, reminding himself that he had made a decision. There were to be no compromises this time. It was all or nothing. If Heero couldn't understand that…

"Duo, I don't want to play this game anymore."

"This is no game Heero."

"Oh really?" Duo could almost see that raised eyebrow, that sardonic smile. "Two weeks ago you told me that we were through for no reason whatsoever. Two weeks since you've refused to touch me or talk to me. Two weeks since you kicked me out of your room and your bed. Two weeks without an explanation, without one fucking word on _why_."

The breath on his face grew harsh. Duo turned his head to the side, trying to escape it, still keeping his eyes tightly closed.

"You know why," he murmured, waiting for the explosion.

"I DON'T!" It wasn't loud. Merely a whisper. But it held so much fury that it might as well been shouted. "Christ, I'm not a mind reader Duo! I have no idea why you're so mad at me. As far as I know I haven't done anything out of the ordinary to piss you off lately."

"No," Duo agreed. "Not out of the ordinary."

"Then _what do you want from me?_" Heero hissed, his anguish showing through his voice as his frustration threatened to overcome him.

Duo's violet eyes blinked open and he looked up at the Asian boy.

"Three words. That's all I want from you Heero. Just three…little…words…"

Heero's eyes shut in brief pain and he rested his weight on his palms at the side of Duo's head.

"You know I can't—"

"Why not?" Duo challenged, glaring at the other boy. "It's not so hard to say. I've said them to you every day since we first became a couple. Every damn day Heero. Every time we made love, every time we separated for a mission, every time we were reunited afterwards, every night when we laid down to sleep, and every morning when I woke up in your arms. Every single fucking day I've told you I loved you while you just looked back at me, like stone, like a bloody rock!"

"Isn't it enough that I show you?" Heero asked. "Isn't that enough. Duo you _know_ how I feel about you."

"Do I?" Duo mused, a bitter smile gracing his lips. "You've never told me. I need to hear the _words_ Heero. I need to know it with my head as well as my heart. I need all of you Heero, not just the parts you want me to keep."

"Duo I want you," he said, fists clenching in the sheets.

"Yes?"

"And I-I need you."

"Yes?"

"And I…I…just can't!" he cried, head shaking from side to side.

"Of course you can't," Duo whispered, eyes closing again. "You can't say what you don't mean."

//And I don't know, and I don't care

If I ever will see you again.

I don't know, and I don't care

If I ever will be there.// 

"Duo…"

"Good night Heero."

"Wait I—"

"Good night Heero."

There was a pause, where everything seemed frozen, and even the wind ceased to blow. And then there was the slight creaking of bedsprings as Heero lifted himself wearily to his feet and walked out the door, closing it gently behind him.

Beneath the covers, Duo shivered and curled himself into a ball.

'I wish…'

__

'Don't wish. This is how it's always going to be. You have to separate yourself now or you'll never be able to do it.'

'I know.'

Duo sighed and sank deeper into the mattress, grateful for the oblivion that was granted him in the form of sleep. 

//Do you eat, sleep, do you breathe me anymore?

Do you sleep, do you keep me anymore?//

To Be Continued?

Author's Notes: Well…that was certainly not my normal fic process. A bit too angsty for me. Melpomene must be running the show this time… 

You guys will have to tell me if you want another chapter to this or just leave it as a stand alone.

Please review or send Comments and Criticism (C&C) to [chibicherryb@hotmail.com][1] okay? 

~ Cherry Blossom ~

   [1]: mailto:chibicherryb@hotmail.com



	2. Part Two

The next morning Duo wandered into the kitchen to find all of the other pilots already there, eating an elaborate pancake breakfast that Trowa prepared on Quatre's request

Author's Notes: Well I'm really pleased at the response this got. I only meant for it to be a one shot but since you got my muse going…damn Mel…that's harsh…uh, anyway this is the next part. Just so you know, all warnings and disclaimers from the first part apply here as well. That being said, bring on the angst!

Three Small Words: Part Two

The next morning Duo wandered into the kitchen to find all of the other pilots already there, eating an elaborate pancake breakfast that Trowa prepared on Quatre's request. The small blond sat on a stool near the stove, watching his lover pour batter into a skillet with a satisfying hiss. He looked up when Duo arrived and gave him a smile.

"Good Morning Duo-kun," he chirped in a manner way too cheerful for eight o'clock in the morning. "Are you hungry?"

Duo rubbed his stomach and gave Quatre a grateful smirk. 

"Do you really have to ask that question?"

Quatre gave a soft laugh at that and hopped off his stool to push Duo into a chair across from Heero.

"I guess not. Sit down and Trowa will have a fresh batch made for you in no time," he prodded.

Duo twitched uncomfortably in his chair and looked across the table to where Heero sat, reading the paper. At that moment Heero looked up and their gazes connected. Duo felt like he was drowning in a sea of intense blue, everything else in the room fading away in the background as he focused on Heero's face. 

Heero's voice brought him back to reality, the plain monotone forcing the world back into focus with startling clarity.

"See something you like?"

//You kick my foot under the table,

I kick you back;

I can't say I'm able to

Stand for you or

Fall for you ever again.//

Frowning, Duo turned his head away, ignoring the Wing pilot.

'Don't get sucked back in,' he told himself. 'It's not worth it if he can't feel the same way about you.'

From his perch on the stool, Quatre frowned, observing the unspoken conflict between Duo and Heero. He didn't quite know what was going on but it was evident that both parties were suffering subsequently. A light touch on his shoulder caused him to start and turn to look into a pair of concerned emerald eyes. 

"Quatre what—"

Shaking his head to keep Trowa quiet, Quatre lifted a plate of pancakes and forced a cheery smile on his face.

"Here you go, Duo," he said, walking over to the table and placing the plate down in front of the braided boy. "A stack of three."

"Thanks Q-man," Duo said, digging his fork into the fluffy cakes and shoveling it into his mouth like a starving man. 

Heero stood up and threw the paper down on the table. Startled, Quatre turned to him.

"Aren't you going to stay and eat Heero?"

//Wish for a perfect setting

Wishing that I am letting you

Take me where you want me

All over again// 

"I'm not hungry," the soldier said, giving Duo one last heated look that the boy chose to ignore before turning on his heel and walking out of the kitchen.

Quatre watched him go, a strange expression on his face. Something was wrong here. Something…

He rubbed his chest absently.

"Quatre?"

"Hmm?" he said absently, looking to where Duo was smiling up at him.

"Do we have any maple syrup?"

"Wha…oh! Yes, yes of course. I'll get it for you."

Duo chuckled as he watched Quatre bustle around the kitchen, looking for the maple syrup. When the blond Arab finally found the jug, Duo poured a liberal amount on his pancakes, watching the sugary brown liquid flow and pool at the bottom of his plate. Tasting the sweetness on his tongue, Duo remembered another use for the syrup he used to have… 

__

'Heero…'

He remembered late night forages in the kitchen when everybody else was asleep. Those nights when Heero was away on a mission and Duo would wait for him to come back while filling himself with sugary and caffeine filled treats in order to keep awake for his absent lover. He remember how he always failed to stay up, falling asleep, instead curled up in one of the kitchen chairs, his head cradled in his arms on the table. He remembered how Heero would come in and find him there, brushing his bangs back, kissing him awake, stripping his clothes off and clasping Duo close because his need was too great to wait for the bedroom. He remembered how afterwards they would lie on the cold wood floor, exhausted and Heero would tell him about the mission and his tense muscles would relax under Duo's careful ministration. Then he would repeat those words, those damn words that Heero just couldn't bring himself to say afterwards…

'Heero, Heero…If you weren't just using me then why can't you just tell me what I want to hear?' 

//You can't give yourself absolutely to someone else.//

Duo sighed and pushed his fork around his plate, no longer hungry. He started to get up as well and then caught Quatre's worried look. Not wanting to alarm the small Arabian, Duo sat back down and gave him a lopsided grin.

"Hey Quatre, could you get me some milk? I forgot it while I was up."

Quatre smiled back and bounced up off his stool again.

"Sure Duo-kun!"

Duo forced himself to choke down the pancakes, which now tasted like so much ashes in his mouth. He didn't want it to appear as though anything was wrong.

'Because nothing _is_ wrong. You've finally stood up for yourself and got out of a bad relationship. You didn't need him anyway, so stop acting like your world just came to an end and live your life the way you were supposed to.'

//And I don't know, and I don't care

If I ever will see you again.

I don't know, and I don't care

If I ever will be there.//

The next couple of days dragged slowly for Duo. The pilots were given no missions and the self-proclaimed Shinigami spent most of his time avoiding Heero. When the Perfect Soldier entered the room, Duo would find some excuse to leave it. When Heero attempted to speak with him, Duo's eyes glazed over like Heero was ghost, someone long dead that he couldn't feel anymore, let alone commune with. 

Quatre saw all this and became even more worried.

'He's hurting Heero. He doesn't show it but I can feel his pain in my own heart. Every time Duo refuses to acknowledge him it's like he's lost another piece of his soul. Oh Duo, why? Why do you continue to hurt him this way?'

Trowa watched Quatre rub his chest soothingly as if it hurt him. His frown deepened as he followed his lover's gaze to the boy in the corner of the room. Duo was sitting in the easy chair, his feet cross legged with a book balanced on his knees while his hand toyed absently with the end of his braid as he read. Duo had been acting rather strangely the past few weeks now that Trowa thought about it. But he didn't seem to be suffering at all. In fact he was acting as cheerful as ever. Maybe a bit too cheerful…

'He's forcing himself to be happy? But why? Duo's never been one to keep things bottled up inside when he's upset. That more of a Heero thing…'

As if on cue, the stoic pilot appeared in the doorway, standing silently there for a few moments, his eyes locked onto the braided figure in the chair. Duo gave no sign that he noticed his entrance or felt his stare. Trowa watched as Heero slowly made his way towards the chair where Duo sat, his walk hesitant and wary, as though he were approaching a wild animal that might bite. He stopped directly in front of Duo and looked down at the pilot.

The other pilots seemed to hold their breath in anticipation of what was to come. Wufei paused in his game of chess, the piece he was about to place hovering over the square with a delicate fragility. He watched the scene unfold, a hint of worry in his eyes. He recognized the game.

'It was what I did with Meiran, or what she did to me. To see how much pain could be inflicted before the other would break…'

Duo didn't look up from the book, his eyes skimming the page, oblivious to Heero's presence. Heero bit his bottom lip and then opened his mouth as if he would speak…then he closed it again and turned on his heel, his eyes closing and fists clenching in frustration. With only barely enough control to keep from running from the room, Heero left the others for the safety and solace of his laptop, which, being inanimate, wouldn't alienate him this way.

Quatre let out a small, almost inaudible whimper of pain as the hurt in his chest grew sharper. Trowa noticed this and scowled, coming over to stand before Duo, much the same way Heero did. Enough was enough.

"All right, what's going on," he asked, taking the book from Duo's hands and forcing him to pay attention.

Duo glared at him and made a grab for the book, which Trowa held just out of reach. After many unsuccessful tries, Duo gave up and crossed his arms over his chest, pouting.

"I don't know what you mean," he said glibly. His one hand straying to twist around his braid, tighter and tighter.

Trowa glared and tossed the book to the floor in a totally un-Trowa-like display of rudeness, showing just how deep his displeasure was. 

"You know," he said coldly. "Just what kind of game are you playing with Heero? You two haven't spoken in weeks and you've been acting like he's invisible for the past couple of days." 

"It's none of your business Trowa, so go stick your nose somewhere else," Duo snapped.

"Wrong," Trowa whispered, bending down so that he was at eye level with the braided pilot. "I don't give a shit whether you or Heero live happily ever after. I don't care if you plan to drive him slowly insane by refusing to talk with him, but whatever it is you're doing to Yuy is hurting Quatre. And that makes it my business."

Duo raised startled eyes to look at the small Arabian who was unsuccessfully trying to calm Trowa down. He observed the tired bags underneath the boy's eyes and the way he rubbed his chest constantly with one hand while the other pulled at the sleeve of Trowa's shirt and felt a pang of guilt.

"I'm sorry Q. I forgot about the whole empathy thing, really."

"It's okay Duo, I'm fine but…" Quatre put his other hand to his heart with a look of pained confusion. "Why are you doing this? You're hurting him. He may not show it but…I can feel it inside me. You're ripping him to shreds."

"He'll get over it," Duo muttered, bowing his head so that his eyes were hidden by the long chestnut bangs clustered around his forehead. "He doesn't really love me. He'll get over it soon enough."

Quatre's eyes grew wide and he took a step back.

"H-how can you say that? You know how he looks at you."

Duo laughed darkly, no humor in his voice. 

"Yes I've seen him look at me. And lust is all I see. I'm tired of being someone's fuck-toy. Heero can go find someone else to play with."

"Heero doesn't think of you like that and you know it," Trowa said tersely, brow creasing at Duo's harsh tone.

"Oh no?" Duo said, his face twisted in a grin so wide it was almost a grimace. "Tell me, have you ever heard him say that he loves me? Even once?"

Trowa opened his mouth to reply and found that he couldn't. He had never heard Heero say those words to Duo, even though he'd heard Duo say them to Heero many times. Quatre had stiffened by his side and he knew from looking at the Arabian that he had never heard Heero say those words either. As if on cue all turned to look at Wufei who shrugged his shoulders in answer.

Duo laughed again, a rasping painful sound and Trowa winced to hear it.

"Neither have I," he whispered softly. "Neither have I."

"But…" Quatre tried to organize and argument. "Can't you tell without the words? Doesn't his actions show you?"

"And which actions would those be Q-man? The way he ignores me? Insults me? Tells me to shut up? I don't see much love there."

"But—"

"No. I'm not listening to this anymore. I'm sorry you have to feel Heero's frustration at the moment Quatre but I'm not going back to him this time. I know what I need. And I _need_ to know that someone will be able to love me with all their heart. Heero just can't give me that. He's too emotionally crippled. And now, if you'll excuse me…" Duo got up from his chair and pushed his way past Quatre and Trowa. "I need my beauty sleep." 

Watching the braided pilot exit, Quatre turned helplessly to Trowa and reached out a hand, though whether it was to comfort or be comforted he couldn't say. His auburn-haired lover wrapped his arms around him, as if assuring himself that _he_ could show his emotions, even if Heero couldn't.

"Quatre…" he started. "I know I don't tell you often enough…"

"Shh," Quatre hushed him, putting a gentle finger to his lips. "You don't have to say it. I already know. I see it when you look at me. I taste it when you kiss me. I feel it when you hold me. I know. Why doesn't Duo know?"

"He's scared."

Both Quatre and Trowa turned to acknowledge this unexpected comment from Wufei.

"Scared of what?" Trowa demanded.

Wufei sighed and looked down at his hands which he had folded neatly in his lap. He spoke hesitantly, as if not entirely sure he should be divulging this information.

"Maxwell grew up as an orphan on L2. He hasn't had the privilege of knowing a loving family. I'm pretty sure that only a couple of people have ever told him they loved him, and that they're all dead now. Plus he hasn't had an easy life on the streets. His experience with relationships has not been…nice. He just needs the reassurance of the words so he doesn't feel like a commodity," Wufei finished, clasping his hands in front of him so that he wouldn't fidget.

"Duo told you this?" Quatre asked, curious.

Wufei looked embarrassed, his cheeks flushing a bright red.

"Not exactly. Maxwell has very vivid nightmares…he talks in his sleep. The last mission in Veldspa we had to room together. The night was not restful."

Trowa's brow creased in confusion. "But if Duo talks in his sleep, then wouldn't Heero know all this?"

A small, mocking smile graced Wufei's lips and he shook his head.

"I'm pretty certain that Maxwell doesn't have these nightmares when Yuy is around. Whatever else he might claim, he does love Yuy. He feels safe with him."

Quatre gave a small sigh and leaned against Trowa's solid weight for support. He suddenly felt very tired.

"What can we do?" he asked, looking sad and a little lost.

"Unfortunately we can't do anything," Wufei said, getting to his feet gracefully. "We just have to hope that they will work it out themselves."

"It's just not fair," Quatre sniffed, as Trowa cuddled the boy to him protectively. 

"I know," Trowa soothed. "But there's nothing we can do. Maybe Duo will come to realize that the words don't really mean that much. Or maybe Heero will finally be able to say them. Who knows?"

"I hope so," Quatre whispered, looking out the doorway where Duo had disappeared earlier. 

'For both their sakes.' 

//Do you eat, sleep, do you breathe me anymore?

Do you sleep, do you count sheep anymore?

Do you sleep anymore?//

To Be Continued?

::cough:: Well…this doesn't seem to be getting any better does it? I can't decide between a happy ending and a sad ending…uh oh I just got a really horrible idea…and it's staying with me, ahhhhhh! Oh well, review and tell me if I should just stop this rain of angst right now. Or you could email me at [chibicherryb@hotmail.com][1]. I just love to get mail. ^__^ 

   [1]: mailto:chibicherryb@hotmail.com



	3. Part Three

Heero flung a hand over his eyes and tried to shift his body into a comfortable position 

Author's Notes: Hey, I told you I wouldn't be dropping this series and I'm not. In fact I've got the climax of this all planned out…it's just the ending and all the stuff in between I haven't figured out yet -_-;;

Anyway…musical inspiration comes from Ani DiFranco's Wish I May. The lyrics are scattered throughout. And If you get the chance I suggest you listen to some of Ani's stuff. It's brilliant work ^__^

And if any of you are lawyers and looking for the disclaimer…it's on first chapter scum. Don't bother me. On with the angst!

Three Small Words: Part Three 

Heero flung a hand over his eyes and tried to shift his body into a comfortable position. His sheets were tangled in his legs and the blankets had long since been kicked onto the floor by his restless movements. The room was still…unbearably so. Even after a month without the comforting huff of Duo's breathing beside him Heero still could not get used to the eerie silence. Groaning, Heero fought back a shudder and pressed his arm harder against his head, wishing he could simply force the memories out.

'It didn't used to be like this,' he thought desperately. 'I was fine sleeping alone for most of my life. I never needed anyone's company before. I never wanted anyone's company. I was just fine by myself. What's happening to me?'

Giving into the insomnia that had gripped him for the past three weeks now, Heero sat up and swung his legs around the side of the bed, shivering as his bare feet came into contact with the cold wood floor. The moon shone through the window and Heero glared at it as if its' pale glow were the reason he could not sleep. The room was cast in dark shadow and through the window Heero could just make out the tops of the trees that lined the compound, branches almost silver in the moonlight. The stillness of the room surrounded him, suffocated him. He could feel the blood pounding in his ears and his heart raced in a sudden bout of fear.

What if he was the only one left alive in the universe?

'Stupid! You're thinking crazy thoughts now. Of course you're not alone in the universe. Trowa and Quatre are in the next room over for Christ's sake and Wufei just beyond that…and Duo.'

Ah, Duo. Now there was the problem. What was the point in not being alone in the universe if Duo hated him?

__

You know what he wants. Why don't you just give it to him?

'I can't!' Heero wailed inside his head.

__

Why not? It's only three small words. He says them all the time.

'That's different.'

__

How?

'He says them all the time, to everybody! It doesn't matter who. That's just Duo's way. How do I know he means it when he says it to me?'

__

How does he know you mean it when you won't even say it to him?

'You don't understand!'

Had Heero not been so tired, arguing with himself might have been seen as a signal to seek professional help. But it was three in the morning and he hadn't slept in days and he had to find _something_ to fill the silence in his head and he sure wasn't about to hum show tunes.

Heero shivered again and wrapped the sheets around him, bringing them up to cover his head. It was a very warm night, even for mid-June, but all Heero felt was cold, an icy chill that seemed to seep into his bones. Tucking his feet up under himself, Heero resumed his argument with himself.

'Duo doesn't understand. He doesn't know what those words mean.'

__

And what do they mean?

'…pain. Pain and fear and humiliation. He doesn't know that lo-those words cause hurt. He doesn't know that caring is bad. I'm not supposed to feel. I'm not supposed to care.'

__

You never told him.

'No. And I'm not going to. I don't need his pity.'

__

Maybe it wouldn't be pity. Maybe it would be…comfort.

'I don't need comfort either.'

__

Oh really. So why did you allow him to seduce you? Why did you let him into your bed? Why do you feel like crying every time you make love to him? Why do you let him near you if you don't need comfort?

'That's different," Heero countered, struggling to keep his thoughts in order. 'That's not comfort. That's just sexual gratification. I'm a teen-aged boy. It is normal for me to want to…to be with him. It's just hormones.'

__

…If you believe that then maybe it's better that he left you.

//I'm losing my love of adventure

I'm losing all respect

for me and myself tonight

I wonder what happens if I get to

the end of this tunnel

and there isn't a light// 

Heero listened to the wind rustle the leaves outside. The moon cast it's sickly shine on the boy's outstretched hands and his fingers curled around, making it seem as though he were trying to grasp quicksilver.

The eyes that searched into the surrounding darkness were wide and luminous, set in a face that seemed a bit too small. The deep blue shade of his irises made his skin look pale and ghostly. Heero raised a thin wrist before his face and he was amazed to find the limb thin and fragile, the paper-like skin showing a web of blue veins criss-crossing beneath the flesh. Heero had always been thin and wiry, but lately his appearance had taken on a waif-like quality, his bones jutting out sharply from the tightly drawn skin, his cheeks hollow and shadowed.

He had not been eating very well, his appetite taking a nose-dive. Heero never had paid much attention to what he ate. As long as he wasn't too weak to complete a mission, it didn't matter to him if he got nourishment or not. But then Duo had come along and bossed him into eating more frequent meals, sharing his love of food with the stoic soldier. 

//I've worn down the treads

on all of my tires

I've worn through the elbows

and the knees of my clothing

and I'm stumbling down

the gravel driveway of desire

trying not to wake up

my sleepy self-loathing//

Heero remembered waking up in the middle of the night to hear sounds coming from the kitchen. He would ease into the room, gun held out in front of him, but it was never an intruder or OZ soldier that met his gaze, but a braided pilot happily snacking on whatever he could find. He remembered how Duo used to turn and smile, ignoring the gun in his hand to wave him over and hold up his latest creation…

Oi, Heero! You've gotta try this, it's delicious…c'mon man we've got to fatten you up or you're gonna start to look like Trowa.

~Hn, baka. What is that mess? __

It's a triple-scoop, chocolate-chip, hot-fudge sundae! Food of the Gods, I swear.

You're going to give yourself a stomachache.

Aw, c'mon Heero. It's good. Don't you wanna try some?

I don't like ice cream.

Don't be silly, everybody likes ice cream! Grab a spoon and sit down.

You're crazy.

I know. But that's why you love me, right?

…I'm going back to bed.

Mm'kay, suit yourself Heero. But you're missing out on something great…~

Heero shook his head, trying to rid himself of the ghostly echoes of his memories. Duo wouldn't say that to him anymore. Duo hated him. And now he didn't have any reason to fear, to say those words…

'So why do I feel so empty. This was what I wanted, wasn't it?'

//do you ever have that dream

when you open your mouth

and you try to scream

but you can't make a sound 

that's everyday starting now

that's everyday starting now//

Abruptly, Heero slid off the bed and walked over to the window, pushing it open to let the cool night air flow over his skin. Carried on the breeze, the heady scent of juniper floated through the open window and Heero closed his eyes and let himself be soothed by it's comforting smell. The air was thick with humidity and in the distance Heero could hear the soft roll of approaching thunder. The wind, which had been gentle moments before suddenly grew in intensity until the shutters banged against the wall, sharp, like the shot of a gun. Heero's eyes snapped open and he tensed, his body like taut wire ready to snap into movement at a second's notice. The wind howled and pulled at the boy, whipping at his limbs and tossing his already bed-messed hair. The shutters rattled and swung for a few moments. And then…the wind was gone and the air became very heavy, almost a pressure on the boy's lungs. 

Heero waited, knowing what would come next. He tasted the moisture in the air and knew what it meant. He waited. 

//don't tell me it's gonna be alright

you can't sell me on your optimism tonight

it's a stiff competition

to see who can stay up later

the stars or the street lights

and all they really want

is to be alone with the darkness//

A drop of liquid pattered on the windowsill, creating a perfect circle in the dusty surface. The sky rumbled. Another drop fell, then more, and then faster and thicker in a torrent of rain. Heero felt the wind lift the droplets and toss them onto his already chilled skin, trailing in small liquid rivers down his naked chest, soaking into the fabric of his shorts. Reaching out his hand, Heero caught a droplet in his palm and held it to his lips to taste. Around him the percussion of the rain reverberated, filling the silence of the room. 

'I wonder if Duo is listening to the rain, too…'

The American from L2 had loved rainstorms with a passion. Having lived on a colony where water was a precious luxury, the natural occurrence of rain seemed a miracle to the braided pilot and his joy in the event was infectious. Heero remembered that Duo would always drag him out to play in the rain, splashing in the puddles and skidding across wet pavement. Heero would always call him a baka and urge him to come inside where it was dry and warm but Duo would have none of it. Of course he would always get sick afterwards but he always declared that it was worth it. 

~Do you see it Heero? It's like the heavens are weeping. It's a blessing from God. If I had three wishes my second one would be for it to rain forever! __

Hn. What would your first wish be then?

Why you, silly. I'd wish for you.

Baka. You already have me.

Yeah. I guess I do. I love you, you know, Heero.

…Let's go inside before you catch cold again.

But Heero don't you…all right. Let's go.~

//no more wish I may

no more wish I might

it takes a stiff upper lip

just to hold up my face

I gotta suck it up and savor

the taste of my own behavior//

Rain trailed down Heero's face, one droplet just at the corner of his mouth. Heero's tongue came out to taste once more but this time, he tasted salt. Mystified, Heero brought a hand to his cheeks and wiped at the moisture found there. Around him the rain beat in strict tempo, drowning out any sound he might have made. And then, just as sudden as it started, the violent wind faded and the fall of rain slowed…and then stopped, leaving Heero alone with the silence once more. Thunder echoed once again, but it was faint this time, only a gentle rumble. 

//I am spinning with longing

faster then a roulette wheel

this is not who I meant to be

this is not how I meant to feel//

With a sigh that was more a soft exhalation of air then anything, Heero fell back onto the bed and pulled the covers over his head. There, in the warm darkness of the cavern he had made for himself, Heero could clutch his pillow to his chest and pretend, for just one moment, that he wasn't alone.

//I don't think I am strong enough

to do this much longer

god, I wish I was stronger

this song could never be long enough

to express every longing

god, I wish it was longer...//

Quatre called up the stairs for the fourth time this morning, a plate of now cold eggs and toast in his hands. The others had all eaten and gone about their separate duties for the day. Wufei had eaten a bit earlier and was outside, presumably practicing his daily exercises and Duo had grabbed his breakfast to go, claiming that he needed to go into town and pick up some supplies for his Gundam. Trowa and Quatre had both eaten at their leisure, enjoying the quiet morning by themselves. But now they had finished and Trowa was silently cleaning the kitchen while Quatre stood by with Heero's untouched portion. The blond looked worriedly up to where the silence was thickest. Not a sound traveled down to show that a presence was alive upstairs. 

"I know he's awake," Quatre murmured to himself. "He never sleeps in. And he hasn't gone out already because his keys and jacket are still here. By now we should have heard _something_. Even the clicking of laptop keys…anything!"

Trowa glanced over his shoulder at the blond and gave him a comforting smile.

"Maybe he's just tired. You know he hasn't been sleeping well lately."

Quatre remembered the dark shadows under Heero's eyes and the weariness that seemed to settle itself on his features over the past few weeks. He sighed.

"Maybe…but—Trowa he can't afford to miss another meal. I haven't seen him eat _anything_ for three days now. I know he's the Perfect Soldier and all that but even he needs to eat!"

Trowa considered this for a moment, then nodded and ran the dishcloth over the counter one last time.

"Why don't you warm that up and then take it up to him. He might just want to stay in bed today," he advised.

Quatre beamed him a bright smile and nodded, sliding the plate he held into the microwave for a few minutes. When the eggs were suitably steaming, Quatre took the plate and a glass of juice and placed it on the tray Trowa had thoughtfully decided to pull out from the top cupboard for him.

"Maybe this will make him feel better. You never know…" Quatre said cheerily, pausing to give his lover a quick peck on the cheek before bouncing up the stairs, the tray rattling as he went. Trowa smiled after him but the expression quickly faded as soon as his lover was out of sight. He knew it would take more than breakfast in bed to shake Heero from his depression.

'I suppose I can't blame Duo. It's not his fault that he needs reassurance. But dammit, it's not Heero's fault either. I just wish there were a way to solve this without one of them getting hurt…'

Trowa sighed and threw the dishcloth into the sink. He went into the living room and settled himself on the couch, picking up the discarded newspaper and pretending to read it as he strained his ears for sounds of life up the stairs.

To Be Continued…?

And the angst parade continues. I think the next chapter should show some insight to what Duo's thinking through all this. And I have the urge to get Quatre really really mad…

Duo: Are you crazy?! Do you remember what happened the last time Quatre got really really mad?

Cherry Blossom: Vaguely…

Duo: He blew up a f*#$%ing colony!

Cherry Blossom: Just one planet.

Duo: ::holds his head in his hands and sighs::

Cherry Blossom: ^__^ E-mail me! And you might get a sneak peek of the next chappie! Who knows?


	4. Part Four

Author's Notes: Hello peeps! Someone yelled at me for not updating this so, here I am. By the way, anyone else noticed that I have a tendency to pick on Heero? Shounen ai and angst ahead (but you knew that, didn't you?). Also some lovely Heero torture, yum!

Lawyers? Disclaimer is still on the first chapter. Have a nice day.

Three Small Words: Part Four

life keeps getting harder

and it just keeps getting harder to hide

the darker it is around me

the easier it is to see inside

outside the glass

the whole world is magnified

and it's half an inch

from here to the other side

i guess that push has come to this

so i guess this must be shove…

- _Ani Difranco_: Glass House

Quatre paused outside the door and knocked softly, pulling back as the door swung open underneath his hand. 

"Heero?"

Hesitantly, Quatre slipped inside, expecting to find the boy still asleep in bed. But one looked confirmed that both the bed and the room were empty. Frowning, Quatre placed the tray down on the dresser and moved further into the room. 

"Heero?"

A squeaking noise, followed by the distinct sound of rushing water reached Quatre's ears and he smiled and turned towards the closed bathroom door with relief. Debating briefly on whether or not Heero was decent, Quatre concluded that the only shadows cast on the bathroom floor were those of Heero's feet and he knocked briskly before stepping into the room. 

"Heero, I brought you breakfast! You'd better eat it before it gets c—oh my…"

Quatre stood in the doorway, eyes wide with shock, one hand coming up to cover his open mouth. Heero stood by the bathtub, arms raised over his head with the act of pulling his tank top off. His body was thin, almost emaciated, each rib starkly outlined by thin, grey-ish skin that stretched tautly over the bones like paper. Heero's cheeks were slightly sunken, making him look like he was sucking in his breath. His eyes were a bit too wide, the pupils almost black with dilation, dark bags underneath betraying his lack of rest. What horrified Quatre the most were his arms. Those strong, muscular arms that had once bent steel bars had now lost all their muscle, shrunken to the thinness of stick, the skin pale almost to the point of translucence. Quatre was sure that if he tried he could snap the fragile bones easily.

Heero stood in perfect stillness, not even bothering to hide the waste his body had become. His eyes bore into Quatre's in silent reproach.

__

'Look at me,' they seemed to say. _'Look at what you have allowed me to become.'_

"No…" Quatre whispered, taking a step towards the boy.

Heero flinched and drew back, covering his chest with his arms.

"Stay away," he said, the flat monotone revealing nothing of the turmoil he felt inside. "I don't want to hurt you."

Quatre's eyes flashed into a darker shade and his mouth twisted into an angry sneer.

"You couldn't hurt me if you tried," the blond boy hissed, taking hold of Heero's shoulders. Heero struggled briefly for a few moments and then found himself to weak to continue. His head sank down onto his chest in shame.

"Why Heero? What the hell are you trying to pull? Did you think we wouldn't notice? Did you think we wouldn't care? You dumb fuck! Were you trying to hurt us? Are you so selfish Yuy? Allah, you're killing yourself slowly! Why would you do this to yourself? Why?!" Quatre yelled, shaking the boy.

"It's better this way," Heero murmured, averting Quatre's eyes.

"_What_?" 

"I have to punish myself," Heero continued, softly. "I've done bad things. I've hurt Duo. That's why he left me. He's gotten sick of me. That's why he left. I have to punish myself for that. I don't deserve to live for what I've done."

"Heero…" Quatre bit his lip, trying to find words that would help him console the boy standing before him. None came. "Then why didn't you just kill yourself," he asked, hoping that maybe Heero hadn't given up completely.

Heero's eyes drifted shut and he sagged against Quatre, all his strength used up.

"Because," he whispered, "I promised him once that I wouldn't die…"

__

~ Heero you idiot! Why the hell did you go and do that, huh?

I failed the mission. Failure means death.

That's bullshit and you know it Yuy! What's you dying going solve anything? So we lost one battle, so what? We can regroup and fight again tomorrow. The colonies need you, Heero. I need you!

No one needs me. I am expendable.

No! You fucking asshole! You dumb prick! Why do you gotta say dumb shit like that, huh?

Because it's true…Duo, why are you crying?

Because I feel things, dammit! And I know you do too. And you're not fucking expendable! Not to me! Don't leave me dammit! Don't…you…dare…leave…

Duo…Duo stop! I won't leave you.

Promise me! Promise!

I promise you. I won't leave you ever again.

Heero…Oh Heero… ~

"Oh Heero…" Quatre felt tears prickle the back of his eyes and he blinked them back, thinking desperately of a way to help his friend. The boy in his arms shook and after a while Quatre discovered that it was not from emotion, but from cold. Heero had no fat left on his body to keep him warm. Quatre sighed and sat the boy down on the toilet, grabbing a towel from the rack and draping it around him. Heero sat silently, his face like stone, his lips pressed together in a thin line. 

Quatre knelt down before him and placed a hand beneath his chin, forcing the boy to look up into his eyes.

"You can't keep doing this to yourself Heero. It won't solve anything. And it's putting all of us in danger. What if we were attacked? You couldn't possibly survive in this condition. What about your duty to the mission?"

"That's just it," Heero said, his voice wavering just slightly. Anyone who wasn't listening for it would not have caught it. "Duo was my mission. And now he's…" 

~ _What are you doing?_

Don't bother me. I'm typing up a mission report.

Always the fucking mission. Don't you think of anything besides that, Heero?

Why should I?

God, you sound just like a robot. I swear you feel more for that stupid lap top then you do for me.

Duo, the mission always comes first for a soldier. He eats, breathes, and sleeps the mission. His mission is his life and he dedicates himself fully to it.

Well then, just for once, would you make me your mission Heero?

…Ryoukai.

Mmm…you know I love you, right Heero?

Yes. I know. ~

"Heero?"

Quatre's voice snapped Heero back to the present and he looked up, startled. Quatre's eyes were no longer accusing, just sad. Heero scowled. He didn't want anyone's pity. He didn't deserve it.

"Why can't you just…tell Duo you love him? I know you do. I can feel it, I can see it. I know you're not used to expressing emotion but it wouldn't be so hard…"

Then Quatre felt it, the flash of fear that stabbed at him when he said the word "love" out loud. The fear was not his own, it was Heero's. Curious, Quatre pulled down the shields he had created around his mind in order to block Heero's pain and peeking into his mind, trying to find the cause of that fear.

~ FLASH

__

You're bad. *whip* Bad boys need to be punished. *whip* Don't tell me you don't deserve it.

Please stop mamma. It hurts…

FLASH

__

No, please…I can't take this anymore…

You know why I'm doing this, don't you? I love you. I'm doing this because I love you.

It hurts mamma, it hurts! PLEASE— *crack*

FLASH

__

Oh God…

This is for you. Everything is for you. I *whip* love *whip* you *whip* 

…please stop.

FLASH ~

Gasping, Quatre tore himself from Heero's mind, writhing at the feel of scars that were not his own fading into his skin. 

"By Allah…"

"You had no right!" Heero yelled, pushing Quatre away from him. "You had no right to do that! How dare you invade my mind like that!"

Quatre, still shaken by the assault of Heero's memories, couldn't respond, couldn't only watch as Heero retreated into the corner, wrapping his arms around himself protectively. 

"Heero—"

"Get. Out."

"I…"

"GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!"

Staggering, Quatre got to his feet and fled from the room, clutching at his chest where a throbbing pain was growing, spreading out through his body. Feeling light-headed, he stumbled down the stairs, tumbling down the last few into Trowa's waiting arms.

"Quatre!" The uni-banged boy cradled his lover in his arms and carried him over to the couch, setting him down gently. "What happened."

Struggling to rebuild his shields, Quatre turned stricken eyes to his partner, his mouth twisted into a grimace of pain.

"I didn't know," he gasped. "I didn't know…Oh God, Heero…so much pain…"

"Concentrate!" Trowa said. "Block it out, Quatre. You need to block it out."

Quatre grasped his lover's hand weakly in his own.

"Trowa," he rasped, "we have to do something. We have to make this right…"

"We will," Trowa promised, not knowing if what he was promising was possible. "We will."

Quatre's eyes closed and he sighed, giving over to unconsciousness. Trowa held his angel protectively, wondering what in Heero's mind was so painful it could have caused this reaction. 

__

'This is all wrong,' he thought. _'This shouldn't be happening. Why is this happening?'_

Silence was his only answer. Silence was always his only answer.

To Be Continued…?

Well…that was unexpected. Seriously I didn't think I was going to write that. Who knew? Hmm, now I'm going to have to find a way to fix it. Or maybe not…


	5. Part Five

Author's Notes: Sorry for the long wait folks. My muses went on strike or something until I finished school. I'm gonna work my ass off this month and try and finish this series, m'kay? I can't choose between two different endings and it's driving me crazy ^_^ But I promise, come hell or high water I _will_ finish this fic! Well, enjoy, and don't forget to review.

Lawyers? Disclaimer is still on the first chapter. Have a nice day.

Dedications: To Della who won't have to tap her toe impatiently anymore. 

Three Small Words – Chapter Five

If we all leap before we crawl, we might fall,

and it's not always candy spun from head to heart,

and it's not always meant to be,

and it's not always up to me.

But if it doesn't brush my shoulder, and it doesn't beat my heart,

that's not what I want, that's not where I will start.

I never kissed somebody so that they would break my heart…

(Lisa Loeb – Wishing Heart)

Duo lifted the glass to his lips and swallowed the amber liquid inside with a gulp and a wince as the acrid taste hit the back of his throat. He thunked the empty glass down onto the countertop and called for one more to take its place. The bartender looked at him a bit suspiciously but eventually he moved over with a fresh glass in his hand.

"Isn't it a bit early in the morning to be drinking kid?" he asked, not even bothering to comment on the fact that both he and Duo knew that he was too young to be drinking anyway, regardless of the time. But since the braided boy seemed to have enough money to spend on the shots the barkeep wasn't about to argue. Prying, of course, is a different matter altogether. 

Duo took the offered glass and swirled the contents around for a few seconds, staring at the liquid as it would offer an answer. Finally he shrugged and flung the contents into his mouth, wiping his mouth with his sleeve and giving the barkeep a wry grin.

"Nah, I keep odd hours," Duo said. "Besides, it's never too early to get smashed when your life blows goats."

The barkeep nodded and went back to cleaning the countertop. He'd heard millions of sob stories in his profession; it kind of came with the job description. Troubled lips were often loosened with the aid of alcohol and who better to gripe to then the ever-sympathetic barkeeper? Or maybe he was just a nosy bastard. Either way it worked out for both parties. Kind of like therapy.

"That bad, eh?" 

Duo's laughter was dark and bitter as he ordered another drink. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you how much my life sucks."

Duo would have gone into more detail but at that moment the bell over the front door jangled insistently and another figure slid into the bar. The barkeep looked up and acknowledged the new arrival with a wave. Duo didn't bother turning around since moving might upset his already precarious equilibrium. Instead he slouched down over his drink and calculated in his mind how many more he would need until he would pass out.

The newcomer took a seat beside Duo but the braided boy was too involved in his drink and his own musings to spare him a glance. The barkeep shuffled over to the man, cleaning a dirty glass with an equally dirty dishcloth.

"What's your pleasure," he inquired pleasantly.

"Water," said a familiar voice. "And some coffee for my friend here. He's going to need it."

Startled, Duo swung around in his seat to gape at the person next to him. This turned out to be a bad idea since swinging made his vision fuzz around the edges and his head spin dizzily. After a few seconds of convincing his stomach that he was not about to throw up, Duo could turn his attention to the fellow gundam pilot sitting beside him.

"Close your mouth Maxwell. Unless you are trying to catch flies…"

Duo's shock turned to amusement and his lips curved into a mocking grin.

"Well, well. Chang Wufei, I never imagined you would set foot in a bar at nine o'clock in the morning. Never pegged you as the type. Oh well, you learn new things every day, I guess."

"Don't be stupid Maxwell," Wufei scowled. "I came here looking for you."

"Well you found me," Duo quipped, tossing back one more shot as the barkeep placed a glass of water and a mug of coffee before the black haired Chinese boy. Duo sneered at the water and sniffed disapprovingly at the coffee. "Is that all you're getting?" 

Wufei looked down at the empty shot glasses that surrounded the braided boy and shook his head, a stern look on his face.

"I don't like to pollute my body unnecessarily. Unlike some people I know," Wufei replied.

Duo ignored the insult and ordered another drink, smiling widely at the boy beside him.

"Pollution? No way. This stuff's golden 'Fei. You ought to try some before that stick up your ass fossilizes."

"Oh? And what exactly is it?"

"Bourbon. Tastes like shit and burns like acid but after a few glasses you don't even care," Duo said as he downed another shot. 

Wufei sighed grimly and pushed the glass of water towards his inebriated friend. "Well drink this next and then drink the coffee. And then I'm taking you back."

"Really," Duo sneered. "You and what army 'Fei? I like where I am just fine. Give me one good reason to come back with you."

"I'll give you two. One, Winner is worried sick about you and it's making Barton upset. And I, for one, do not like to live with an upset Barton. His sister taught him how to throw knives as people, you know," Wufei replied.

Duo winced and then chuckled softly, picturing an irate Trowa chasing Wufei around the safe house with the entire kitchen set in hand. 

"Q-man's too much of a mother hen already and Trowa doesn't scare me. What's the other reason?" Duo asked.

"Yuy."

Duo's face darkened and Wufei shivered a bit under the intensity of his frown. 

"That bastard. Why should I do anything for him when he's not willing to do one simple thing for me?" Duo snapped, his fists tightening around the empty bourbon glass in a white-knuckled grip.

"Because you need to talk things out with him," Wufei said calmly, his eyes catching Duo's angry gaze.

"We have nothing to say to each other," Duo growled out between clenched teeth. "He won't talk to me, and I'm sick and tired of making excuses for his silences. It's over between us Wufei. I'm not even sure if it was ever really there in the first place."

"Bullshit."

Duo's eye widened in shock and his mouth dropped open. "Chang Wufei," he breathed, "did you just swear?"

Wufei managed to look mildly offended. "I have used vulgar epithets before," he said stiffly.

Duo laughed and his face lost some of the bitterness it had held moments before. "Yeah but usually you yell them in Chinese so the rest of us won't know what you're saying. Like we couldn't tell anyway," the boy snorted into his coffee. 

"Stop changing the subject," Wufei snapped. "You need to work things out with Yuy before he drives us all crazy with his moping."

Duo took another sip of coffee and swirled the contents in the mug in an idle manner.

"It's funny," he mused. "You'd think he'd be over me by now since he was only using me as a sex toy. I must have been real good. It's almost flattering in a way." 

Stung, Wufei drew back at the venom in the boy's voice. He hadn't realized the extent of the hurt Heero had caused by refusing to say those three small words that Duo had longed to hear. But still…

__

'There has to be more to this then meets the eye,' he thought, watching Duo drain the last of the coffee and slump down onto the counter with his head cradled in his arms.

"Duo," he said, using his friend's first name to ensure that he had all of his attention. It worked. The braided boy's head shot up from his arms and he turned to stare wide-eyed at Wufei. "I know it's hard for you to trust, especially since Yuy hasn't been the most affectionate person in the past—"

Duo snorted in laughter and grinned darkly at the Chinese boy. "You have a keen affinity for stating the obvious. Anymore pearls of wisdom you'd like to share with me before I commence in getting shit-faced, Confucius?"

"Would you shut up and let me finish for once, Maxwell?" Wufei yelled, slamming a fist down onto the bar top in his frustration.

The sound made Duo jump and the barkeep glare at the two boys suspiciously. Wufei returned the glare with one of his own and the barkeep decided he'd rather not get involved at this particular moment. He was rather fond of living.

"Look," Wufei hissed, lowering his voice, "Don't you think that if I wasn't absolutely fucking _certain_ that Yuy really cares about you, and if I wasn't damn _sure_ that you really care about him, then I would bloody well make a play for you myself by now?"

There is nothing Wufei could have said that would have shocked Duo more. As it was the braided boy's jaw was dropped open and his slightly red tinged eyes bugged almost comically. Wufei would have smiled if it weren't such a serious moment.

"You….you…huhn?" Duo stuttered quite eloquently as he tried to get a handle on the information he had just been fed. 

__

'I'm not that shit-faced already, am I? Maybe I should have stuck to beer. He couldn't have just said what I think he said, right? Oh man, I'm really really drunk…'

"Yes you are. But that doesn't change what I just said to you," Wufei commented.

"Did I say that out loud?"

"No, I'm a mind-reader. What do you think?"

"I think I've just gone stark-raving bonkers. Or maybe you have."

"I am not crazy, nor am I intoxicated. I can't say the same for you but nevertheless, I meant every word I said."

"Oh yeah right," Duo sneered. "The great Chang Wufei has the hots for street-rat Duo Maxwell. Pull the other one."

Wufei sighed and covered one of Duo's hands with his own as the braided boy watched, suspiciously.

"You are a very attractive person, Maxwell. And I admit to a certain fondness of your person even though you can be a royal pain in the ass some times."

"Aww…thanks Wu-chan!"

"I'm not finished," Wufei interjected. "I admire your skill as a pilot and regard you as a treasured friend. Possibly with the potential to become more then that. But…"

Wufei's head drooped a bit and he glanced down at the floor as if he was a bit embarrassed by his own admissions. 

"You and Yuy," he said quietly, "when you two are together there's this…I don't know…glow or something that happens to both your faces, yes even Yuy's although he doesn't show it as much. Haven't you ever noticed that when you walk into a room his shoulders relax, just a bit, and his eyes soften? I know he loves you. I know you love him. And it would be wrong of me to try and come between you. That's why I have this stick-up-my-ass, as you say, most of the time. Unrequited feelings don't suit me."

Duo's eyes watered a bit and he placed a hand awkwardly on Wufei's shoulder.

"Oh Wu…I'm sorry, I didn't know," he said mournfully.

"Of course you didn't," Wufei scoffed. "I didn't want you to. You were happy with Yuy and there was no reason to butt in and mess that up. Besides, I didn't want Yuy to shoot me. I'm fond of living."

Duo giggled a bit at that but his eyes son turned puzzled again. "But Wufei, if you…liked me so much, wouldn't you be glad if me and Heero decided to um…break up?"

Wufei smiled wryly. "At first maybe I did. But…it's difficult to explain…..How would you feel if you broke up Winner and Barton?"

Duo grimaced and shook his head. "Terrible. Those kids should be together. Even someone as thick-headed as me can see that."

"It's the same thing here. I know that what you'd have with Yuy would be a millions times more special then what you'd have with me. And I want you to be happy."

Duo's lower lip quivered and he flung himself into Wufei's arms with drunken abandon, sobbing against his chest all the frustration and fear that he felt. Wufei held on awkwardly and patted the weeping boy's back, murmuring whatever he could think of to comfort his friend. Duo didn't cry easily and Wufei never knew what to do about emotional moments after being alone for so much of his life. He settled for just holding Duo and waiting until the fit passed. 

He didn't have to wait too long before Duo, embarrassed by his outburst, shoved himself away from the Chinese boy and wiped a hasty hand across his face. Without a word, Wufei held a tissue out to the boy, his expression carefully neutral. Duo mumbled a 'thanks' and mopped his face and blew his nose, feeling much better then he had a minute ago. At least, he _would_ feel much better once the room stopped spinning.

"I think I drank too much," Duo moaned, putting his head in his hands.

"In your words Maxwell, no duh," Wufei quoted with a snort. "Come on, let's get you home."

Duo nodded and allowed Wufei to pull him to his feet, remembering to leave a tip for the barkeep before lumbering out the door, leaning heavily on Wufei's arm. 

"You know what 'Fei?" Duo slurred as he was piled into the taxi Wufei hailed. "You're a great guy. I wish I could love you the way you want."

"Me too," Wufei whispered, a bit of regret showing in his strained smile. "Me too."

To Be Continued….


	6. Part Six

Author's Notes: Corneal Ulcers are NO FUN people! And these little trips to the emergency ward aren't very amusing either. But considering I've only got one good eye at the moment it's a bit of a miracle that this chapter made it to the finishing board at all. So hopefully by the time I figure out the next chapter I'll have use of my left eye back or maybe it's vice versa? ^__^ By the way there's child abuse and suicide (gasp!) and violence ahead so everybody who wants happy fluff can go and read something else. Angst and Heero torture lovers come on inside.

Lawyers? Disclaimer is still on the first chapter. Have a nice day.

Three Small Words – Chapter Six

And they say that the truth will set you free 

but then again, so will a lie 

it depends if you're trying to get to the promised land 

or if you're just trying to get by…

(Ani Difranco – Promised Land)

Duo leaned heavily against Wufei's side as the Chinese man struggled to slide his key into the door while simultaneously trying to keep his braided companion from stumbling down the front steps. So far the endeavor was proving unsuccessful. Wufei would have been safely inside by now if it weren't for the fact that Duo kept trying to help him with the key in the terribly earnest but very hampering way that only the truly inebriated can accomplish. 

"Damn! Duo…will you quit grabbing the keys! I almost had them in that time."

"Sorry," Duo hiccuped, looking totally unrepentant. "Why don't you just ring the doorbell so the others can let us in?"

"Because I was trying to spare whatever shred of dignity you have left by not parading around the fact that you're as drunk as a sailor on shore leave," Wufei snorted.

Duo looked confused as he replayed Wufei's words in his head. "M'not a sailor! 'M a gundam pilot. Shinininininigami's the name!" he slurred with some difficulty.

"Care to say that a little louder, I think there might be an OZ soldier in the next county that failed to hear you," Wufei hissed as he finally got the door opened and maneuvered Duo inside.

The lights were dimmed which was strange, it being the middle of the day and all. Wufei grew suspicious of the thick silence and reached for the gun he kept strapped to his ribs only to be impeded by a chestnut braided head burrowing in his jacket. Cursing silently to himself in Chinese, Wufei moved Duo behind him and towards the still open door.

"If you hear a shot I want you to run for it," he whispered and pulled his gun from its holster.

Sobered considerably by the situation, Duo shook his head and reached for his own gun concealed in his right boot.

"No way you're doing this without backup 'Fei," he whispered back.

Wufei shook his head but thought better of arguing with the stubborn American. He'd just have to make sure the other boy did not get hurt. _Or Heero will take it out of my hide,_ he thought to himself ruefully.

Silently, the Chinese boy crept down the darkened front hallway, gun pointed in front of him at the ready, Duo following close behind. The living room was even darker then the front hallway and Wufei had to squint to make out two forms in the center of the room, one lying prone on the couch, the other standing over him with something shapeless in his hand. 

__

'Get ready,' Wufei mouthed to Duo who nodded and inched his hand towards the light switch on the wall just outside the living room door. Then the Shenlong pilot took a deep breath and squinted his eyes in preparation.

"Freeze!" he shouted, jumping out from around the corner at the same instant Duo flicked on the lights. Bright white and yellow flooded Wufei's vision and he blinked furiously, keeping his gun pointed at the standing figure's head.

"Mind not waving a gun in my face Wufei?"

Trowa's face was expressionless as he turned to face the doorway, a washcloth held loosely in one hand. On the couch Quatre Raberba Winner groaned and buried his face in the pillows at his head, his eyes tightly shut.

"Shit Trowa! Scare us half to death why don't you?!" Duo yelled, putting his gun away.

"I would like to know why you and Winner were sitting here in the dark in total silence, causing us to almost shoot you Barton," Wufei said quietly, his calmness betrayed only by the small twitch under his right eye. 

Quatre groaned again and Trowa bent down and placed the washcloth on his forehead, brushing a soothing hand through sweat-dampened blond curls.

"Quatre has a migraine," he explained simply. "Could you turn the lights off? The glare makes him worse."

Duo complied quickly, flicking the switch and then settling himself down beside the couch where the blond Arabian was situated. He looked at the pale and pinched face with more then a hint of concern.

"You okay Quat?" he inquired, softly.

Quatre opened his eyes slightly and gave Duo what he hoped was a reassuring smile. "I'll be fine," he whispered. "It'll go away once I've managed to…to calm myself."

"Are you sure?" Duo probed insistently. "I haven't seen you this bad since the day Heero self-destructed—" he stopped abruptly, the words registering in his ears as he said them.

Seeing the sudden stiffness is Duo's form, Quatre struggled to sit up, grasping Trowa's hand for support. "It's okay! Heero's upstairs. He's," _fine doesn't seem the right word to use_, "not injured."

Duo's heart started to beat again and some of the tension left his body, although a bit of apprehension still remained. Quatre was hiding something from him, he could tell by the way the blond refused to look directly at him. The Arabian always had been a terrible liar. 

"Well then, what brought this headache on?" Duo asked. "And don't lie to me Quatre. I can always tell when you're lying."

"I…did something to upset Heero," Quatre said quietly. "He's…very angry with me. He feels betrayed and his pain hurts me in turn. Don't worry, I'll be able to block it out soon. Trowa's been helping." He smiled up at his partner lovingly and Trowa responded with a brief upturning of the lips and a soothing pat on the hand. Duo noticed this exchanged and felt a flash of jealousy, he turned his head away and saw Wufei beside him, also watching the touching scene with tightly pressed lips. Remembering their earlier conversation, Duo felt a wave of sympathy for the Chinese boy.

"What could you have possibly done to make Yuy so upset at you?" Wufei inquired, breaking the awkward silence that had settled itself around the room. 

Quatre's smile faded and his eyes clouded, losing their normal brightness. "I saw something he didn't want me to see," he replied.

"What?"

"I can't say."

Duo's eyes narrowed dangerously. "What do you mean you can't say?"

Quatre looked faintly miserable as he fidgeted with the buttons on his vest, avoiding Duo's glare. "It's a private issue for Heero. I wasn't supposed to see it in the first place. I can't violate his trust again."

"Does it have to do with me?"

"I…"

"It does, doesn't it?! TELL ME."

"I can't!" the blond cried, cringing back from the livid Deathscythe pilot.

"Goddammit Quatre—" a firm hand closed around his wrist and squeezed painfully. Duo tore his gaze away from the boy on the couch and stared, instead, into a pair of stormy green eyes.

"That's enough Duo," Trowa said, calmly, but with a hint of threat. "Quatre has told you all he is able to tell. If you want to know more then maybe you should ask Heero yourself."

The braided pilot wrenched his arm out of Trowa's grasp with a sharp jerk. "Maybe I'll do just that," he hissed.

Duo turned on his heels and stalked out of the living room, towards the stairs. Wufei caught up to him by the second step.

"Wait!" he said, placing a hand in Duo's path. "You should wait until you have slept off the effects of the alcohol you have consumed. It will do neither you, nor Yuy, any good if you question him like this."

"Stay out of it Chang!" Duo snapped, brushing past Wufei's hand. "This matter is between me an' Heero. I want some definite answers! I want this thing final, once and for all."

Wufei watched helplessly as Duo stomped up the rest of the stairs towards Heero's room, the room Heero and Duo once shared together. 

"Stupid fool…" he murmured under his breath. A hand descended on his shoulder and he turned to face Trowa.

"Whatever happens up there," the uni-banged boy stated, "they're going to need our support afterwards. Both of them."

"Understood," Wufei replied…and then softer, "but will it be enough?"

Trowa did not answer, but his hand tightened slightly on Wufei shoulder before he released it and headed back towards the living room where a distraught Quatre was waiting for him. After a few moments, Wufei gave up on trying to hear whatever was being said in that room at the top of the stairs and followed the circus performer into the room.

- - - - - -

Heero was sleeping. It had been the first time in ages he'd been able to relax himself enough to sleep…not that he was relaxed now, but exhaustion had set in to the point where his body couldn't care less what his mind was going through and shut down of its own violation. So…Heero Yuy slept. And he dreamed. And he kept a tight hold on Duo's pillow as flashes of colour and sound flitted through his unconscious thoughts, as if maybe the pillow were a lifejacket to keep him from drowning in the murky waters of his dreamscape.

//He'd done something bad again. He couldn't remember exactly what…but it must have been terrible because Mamma had gotten out the heavy wooden cutting board to beat him with. She only used that when she was really mad. He was hiding, hiding inside the linen closet at the top of the stairs. He could fit into it easily. He was good at curling into small spaces. __

He could here her yelling outside the closet. Soon she would figure out that he had fled upstairs. Soon she would discover his hiding spot and he would get extra beatings for running from her instead of taking his punishment like a good boy. He should leave the closet now, give himself up. But he couldn't make himself move.

"Coward," he whispered to himself.

Footsteps sounded on the steps, loud and angry sounding. He crouched lower in the closet, covering his face with the towels, hoping to muffle out the scary sounds. He saw the shadows of feet under the crack in the door move past and then pause and come back in front of the closet. He held his breath, thinking that it was the loud drumming of his heart that gave him away.

The closet door was yanked open and he felt a strong arm grab hold of his leg, dragging him out of the closet. The wooden board descended.

"You are a very very bad boy." ***crack*** "Not only were you rude to Yumi-san's daughter—**crack**—but you ran and hid from your punishment! Now it will be much harder for you."

He tried to cover his head and face. Bruises on his arms and legs could be covered up but it always embarrassed him to have to go to school with black eyes and bruises on his temple and cheeks. People thought he got into fights on the playground and he had a bad reputation because of this. __

The board landed on his legs and torso repeatedly, leaving stinging welts and much deeper aches that foretold bruising, maybe even broken bones. He tried not to cry out as he knew it only upset his mother further and besides, he deserved this punishment anyway and he should be able to take it like a man. But he couldn't help the tears that slipped free after a particularly hard whack to the stomach.

"I'm only doing this because I love you," She said, swinging the board again and again. "You have to be stronger. You have to have discipline. It's because you were too wild and ill-behaved that he left! I was too soft on you! He might have stayed if you were a good boy!"

She started to kick him, the board becoming too heavy to lift anymore. He whimpered as one foot jabbed into his ribcage. Another landed on his head and he felt his world tilt and swim before his eyes. He gave up on staying silent.

"Mamma! Mamma please! Stop! It hurts!"

More kicks. More cries. And then it became too much to try anymore and he simply lay still and silent on the floor, eyes open and staring dully at nothing. After a while, the kicks stopped and there was a sharp intake of air.

"Oh my God…"

He watched as she stared down at him, a horrified look on her face. She looked terrible. He wanted to hold her hand, comfort her, promise he'd be good so she wouldn't have to be angry or sad anymore, but for some reason he was finding it extremely difficult to move.

"Keiji? Keiji-chan?! Speak to Mamma! Say something…Keiji-chan…oh God I'm so sorry!"

She started to cry. He tried to make his lips move. To say something reassuring, but nothing would come. He could only watch her as she wrung her hands nervously and cried.

"What have I done?" she wailed, her hands shaking as she tried to wipe off the sticky red substance that clung to them. "Keiji-chan! I'm sorry! Say you forgive me, please! Don't look at me like that Keiji-chan…you're my little boy. You know I love you right? Everything I do is because I love you most of all!"

He said nothing, could say nothing to this. She looked panicked, her gaze darting around the room, searching for something. She went over to the dresser drawer and took something out of it, wrapped in a white handkerchief. The thing was small and black. She came back and sat down beside him.

"Now Keiji-chan…it's okay if you can't forgive me. I'll make it right. I'm not going to hurt you ever again, I promise. You'll be okay. You'll be just fine."

He made a sound. Only a small one, barely a whimper. She didn't seem to hear it. She was busy doing something with the black thing.

"It'll be okay. I love you so much. You must remember always that I love you so much. Everything I do is because I love you."

He tried again, to speak, but she had put the black thing to her head and there was a loud, scary noise. He shut his eyes quickly, flinching from the sound. When he opened his eyes Mamma was on the floor beside him, he waited for her to pick him up and cuddle him like she always did after punishments were over but she never moved. Carefully, he moved his hand to smooth her hair down, but it came back all covered in the sticky red stuff that had been on her hands. He called to her: no answer. He called again, louder this time but there was no response. Frowning, he shifted himself over so that he could take her hand.

It was cold. Much colder then his own hand. And the red was now covering everything. He moved over her and looked into empty blue eyes. It was then that he understood.

"NO! MAMMA"// 

Heero woke from his dreamscape to be confronted with a pair of angry violet eyes. He blinked rapidly but since the eyes did not disappear he decided that they weren't figments of his imagination and sat up abruptly. 

"Duo," he said, as if testing out the name he had avoided for so very long on his tongue. 

The violet eyes narrowed dangerously. "What is this shit Heero?"

The boy on the bed blinked again, this time in confusion. "I don't know what you're talking about," he retorted defensively.

Duo snorted, "Of course you don't. Quatre's downstairs with the headache from hell and we all know that he only gets that bad when either you or Trowa are in pain. I just saw Trowa and he looked fine so that leaves one person."

"Quatre," Heero hissed, still furious about the blond empath's intrusion into his most private memories. "Did he tell you anything?"

"No, and even if he did, I don't want to hear about it from him. I want to hear it from you. So 'fess up Heero. What are you hiding?"

"Why are you so concerned?" Heero questioned, a hint of venom in his voice. "We aren't together anymore. You don't want to have anything to do with me, so why should I tell you anything at all?"

"Because we're supposed to be working as a team, or don't you remember? What affects you, may affect all of us and we can't afford to have any doubts about what we're doing down here," Duo replied.

"And if I told you that this doesn't affect you or the team in the slightest?"

"Then you'd be a liar. It's already affecting Quatre and that affects Trowa. And I'm pretty sure that this affects me in some way. Maybe it's even the reason why you can't seem to say those three little words…"

"Quatre told you!" Heero shouted furiously, a red haze of rage clouding his vision. "I'll kill him—"

"He didn't tell me anything. I can bloody well guess by myself. I'm not a complete moron you know," Duo shouted back, grabbing onto Heero's wrist as he reached for his gun on the dresser. He was about to say something else when he realized that the arm he had a tight hold of was a lot thinner then it was supposed to be. And Yuy wasn't pulling away even though he was trying to desperately…

"Let go right now or I'll kill you! I swear Duo! Let me go!"

Heero swore and twisted frantically as Duo leant over the boy and snapped on the overhead light, all the while keeping a tight grasp on Heero's wrist. Swearing viciously, Heero tried to hide himself under the blankets but Duo pushed these away and took a good long look at his former lover. Heero watched Duo's eyes darken and narrow and he fell silent and still, shame making him want to crawl into a hole and die.

Duo silently inspected the boy on the bed, running a hand over the ribs that jutted out from the skin of his torso, taking in the sunken, hollowed cheeks, the pale grey-ish skin that was once as golden as burnt honey. His fingertips traced the blue veins that criss-crossed the arm that he held. His mouth tightened.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" he said, his voice soft and murderous.

Heero didn't answer.

"TELL ME!" Duo roared, his hands coming up to wrap around the other boy's shoulders, shaking him violently. "You bastard! Did you think _this_ would make me come back to you?! Did you think I would feel sorry for you? Did you think it was _romantic_ to starve yourself, make yourself into a fucking anorexic for Christ's sake? Did you think that _this_ would prove your love for me? You moron, you're so selfish!! You're so selfish Heero, how could you do this to yourself? You don't kill yourself because you love someone, you dumb fuck! That's not love, that's not love at all."

__

~Everything I do is because I love you.

NO! MAMMA!

I love you so much, Keiji. You must remember… __

Don't leave me all alone!~

"Don't leave me all alone!"

"Huh?" Duo paused, mid-rant to see that Heero had balled his fists into the front of Duo's shirt. The short-haired boy had his head bowed so Duo could not see his face but the hands clutching his shirt trembled faintly and the boy's thin shoulders shook and shuddered. "Heero…"

"Don't…don't leave me all alone. I'll try and be better, I promise. I'll be a good boy. Please don't leave me," he whimpered.

"I…" Duo bit back the angry words and accusations that were ready on his tongue. "Heero what—"

"Promise you won't leave!" The voice was childish, panicked and fearful with a hint of hysteria. Duo observed the shaking shoulders and sighed, pulling the smaller Asian into his arms. _'What's going on? He sounds so young all of a sudden. He's so thin…how could I have not noticed how thin he was getting? Is this why Quatre's so freaked out? Heero I don't understand…'_

"I'm not going to leave," he said soothingly. "I promise."

Heero seemed to accept that, burrowing further into Duo's embrace and closing his eyes. He felt so exhausted even though he had slept for nearly six hours before Duo's presence awakened him. He just didn't have the energy to function anymore. 

"…tired."

"Sleep then. I'll be here when you wake up."

"Not going to leave?"

"I promise. You know I never lie. Just rest, okay?" Duo said, smoothing Heero's bangs back over his forehead. 

Heero sighed and relaxed fully against Duo's chest. After a few minutes his breathing evened out and he was sleeping peacefully. Duo lifted the boy slightly, frowning at how easy it was to do so, and moved him onto the bed and under the covers. Feeling Duo's weight shift away, Heero made a small, discontented sound in his sleep and groped blindly for the source of heat and comfort that had drawn away.

"Shh…" Duo whispered, moving around to the other side of the bed and climbing in beside Heero. The Japanese boy relaxed when he felt Duo's arms slip around his waist and Duo sighed against the back of his neck, into his chocolate coloured hair.

"Sleep now. I'll stay with you until you wake up." _'And then you're going to tell me what the hell is going on Mr. Heero Yuy,'_ Duo added silently.

To Be Continued… 


	7. Part Seven

Author's Notes: Oh my God the fic isn't dead!!! It has returned from the grave! It's amazing *faints* X . x ;;;

Lawyers? Disclaimer is still on the first chapter. Have a nice day.

Three Small Words – Chapter Six

I'm sorry I can't help you, I cannot keep you safe

I'm sorry I can't help myself, so don't look at me that way

we can't fight gravity on a planet that insists

that love is like falling and falling is like this….

(Ani Difranco – Falling Is Like This)

Duo woke up to the sound of a sledgehammer smashing his brain to a pulp. The soft cotton sheet that lay on his body felt like rough horsehair blankets, heavy and coarse, on his skin. His braid throbbed. His eyelids itched. _What the hell is that Goddamn NOISE_, he seethed as he tried to open his eyes. The pounding seemed to come from directly under his ear and echoed through his head painfully. Finally, he was able to crack his eyelids open enough to fill his vision with an expanse of pale skin. The pounding rhythm reorganized itself into something recognizable, Heero's heartbeat.

__

I must have fallen asleep, Duo realized as his head rose and fell with the intake of breath of the chest he was laying on. He yawned and immediately regretted it. Morning breath the day after a drinking binge wasn't exactly perfume to the nose. 

Groaning softly, Duo raised his aching head from the other boy's chest and looked down at the face that had scared him so the night before. Heero's breathing was deep and even, indicating that he was still asleep, although Duo knew that the boy could easily control breathing and heart rate.

__

But he'd have no reason to fake it, so I guess he must be real tired to have not woken up when I moved off him, Duo reasoned, watching the boy's peaceful face, smoothed from the lines of anger or exhaustion he had seen last night. 

But a few darker streaks down the side of Heero's hollowed cheeks bore evidence to the emotional out burst Duo had never expected to see from the usually stoic pilot. _He was upset, hysterical even. I've never seen him like that before. It was…freaky._

Duo shuddered involuntarily and the sleeping boy beside him seemed to pick up on the action, frowning in his sleep. With soft soothing noises, Duo brushed his hands over Heero's torso, and the frown eased into a neutral look once again. But while Heero lost his frown, Duo gained one, feeling the thin of Heero's bones and the stark way his ribs jutted out from the skin. He had been thin before and he was dangerously emaciated now. Duo cursed silently as he traced the line of Heero's sternum. How could he have missed this?

__

I was too busy trying not to look at him and be suckered into coming back to him, Duo thought with a stab of remorse, which he quickly covered up with anger. What was Heero thinking, starving himself like this? What if a mission came and he screwed up because he was too tired and hungry to fight? What if he got himself or the others killed because of his stupidity? Oh yes, Duo Maxwell was pissed off.

__

You have a lot of explaining to do buddy. But first, I'm going to have to get some food into that stubborn little body of yours.

Duo extracted himself from Heero's side without waking the other boy and fighting a wave of nausea, made his way to the bathroom to empty his bladder. While he was there, Duo snooped around in the medicine cabinet for aspirin and found an almost full bottle. Popping two into his mouth, Duo pocketed the bottle and checked quickly for other drugs or razors. He wasn't sure if Heero would move on to other methods of self-harm, starving himself seemed like quite enough, but he wasn't taking any chances.

"I didn't bust you out of an army hospital so you could kill yourself you fucking prick," Duo muttered, feeling anger swell up again as bile in the back of his throat. He took a few deep breaths to calm himself and left the bathroom and headed downstairs in search of breakfast.

Quatre was already in the kitchen, sipping his coffee and reading the paper. When he saw Duo he offered a hesitant smiled, like he thought Duo might still be mad at him. "Good morning Duo. How's Heero?"

"He's still asleep. I'm going to make him some breakfast and shove it down his throat so he doesn't keel over on me. I swear, how that guy can be so reckless with his own health and still be a competent soldier is beyond me. Didn't J teach him any sense to go along with all those demolition and combat lessons?" Duo griped, trying to put the blonde at ease. 

He got a mug out of the cupboard and poured himself some coffee, drinking the bitter fluid down immediately. His hangover was bad but it wasn't the worst he'd ever had by any means. Wufei's intervention with water and coffee the night before had helped considerably. 

Quatre relaxed at the joking tone but he still looked a bit nervous and guilty. "We should have seen what he was doing to himself. He must not have been eating for weeks and I'd only just noticed how thin he was yesterday…"

Duo shook his head and said, "Don't feel bad, Kat. I only just noticed myself, and he's **supposed** to be my lover…or ex-lover, I guess. Heero's really good at hiding things he doesn't want you to see."

Quatre sighed and smiled ruefully. "That's true. Need some help with breakfast?"

"Would you?" Duo said gratefully. "I'm not the best cook and I'd like to get back to Heero before he wakes up."

"Sure!" the blonde pilot said, happy to be able to do something useful for the couple. He had felt badly about not telling Duo what the matter with Heero was, but it wasn't his place to tell such private things…he wasn't even supposed to know them in the first place. All the same, Heero needed to talk about his mother and Quatre hoped he would be able to go to Duo on his own.

The two boys prepared a quick but nutritious breakfast of toast, fruit, and eggs along with some coffee and a syrupy sweet fruit drink that would hopefully give Heero some much needed energy. As they were finishing up, Wufei entered the kitchen, lightly sweating from his morning exercises. 

"Good morning Winner…Maxwell," he greeted, bowing to each of them.

"Morning Wufei," Quatre replied, "would you like some breakfast? I've got leftover eggs and toast if you want them."

"Thank you for the offer but I am not particularly hungry right now. I think I'll just have some coffee," the Chinese boy said, passing by Duo in order to get to the coffeepot. Duo couldn't help the embarrassed flush that spread across his cheeks as he thought back to his drunken exploits the night before and Wufei's patience in getting him home in one piece. 

__

He must think I'm such a fool now, Duo thought. But he also remembered the claim that Wufei had made to him at the bar. 

"Unrequited feelings don't suit me." 

It was strange, knowing that Wufei found him attractive and might consider him as a partner. Duo had always admired the Chinese boy's strength and sense of honour, and he had to admit, Wufei was very good looking. He wondered if things had been different, if he hadn't fallen for Heero first…

__

Too late now for what ifs Maxwell. 

"Is that for Yuy?"

The voice startled Duo out of his thoughts and he jumped a little before catching himself. Wufei looked at him intently, his dark eyes serious and knowing. Duo squirmed under the stare and nodded, wondering how this strange turn of events would effect his relationship with the Chinese man. 

Wufei was silent for a while, and then he nodded back. "Good. Get him to eat something. He is much too thin. You didn't make those eggs yourself, did you Maxwell? We want to feed Yuy, not poison him."

Duo smiled with sudden relief. Everything was going to be okay, at least between him and Wufei. Things hadn't changed as much as he feared they would. He schooled his features into a glare of mock outrage and threatened Wufei with a fork.

"How dare you say such things about my cooking, traitor! For your information, Quatre made the eggs. I made the toast."

"That would explain the charred pieces of bread with orange marmalade," Wufei said, a hint of a smirk crossing his face.

Duo huffed noisily and exited the kitchen, leaving Quatre and Wufei snickering behind him. A few seconds later Trowa entered the room and demanded to know the joke. While the pilots filled the silence with gentle banter and idle chatter, a tense atmosphere hung around them and all ears listened intensely for sounds in the upstairs bedroom.

------

Heero woke slowly, his eyes feeling swollen and scratchy, like they had been rubbed with sandpaper. He groped around the sheets clumsily for the warm body that was supposed to be next to him and came fully awake when he couldn't find it. Cobalt eyes snapped open and Heero looked at the empty space beside him with a quiet kind of despair. His mind laughed at him cruelly.

You dreamed it. He never actually came back to you. 

Heero sighed and closed his eyes once more, wanting to go back to his dream where he was held safe in the arms of his lover. Strictly forcing himself **not** to cry, Heero eased his breathing into a slow pattern and waited for sleep to take him again. So deep was his concentration, he didn't hear the door swing open or the sound of someone setting a tray gently on the nightstand. He did hear, however, when a familiar voice crooned in his ear and a soft hand brushed his bangs off of his forehead.

"'Morning Heero. Wakey wakey, it's time to get up."

Heero's incredulous eyes opened wide as he took in the tired form of his partner. His mouth opened and a harsh rasp came out. Wordlessly, Duo handed him the glass of juice. Heero took it hesitantly but after a sharp glance from Duo, drank the liquid down. Duo took back the glass after he had drained it and Heero licked his lips and tried again.

"You came back," he said.

"Of course I did," Duo replied. "I promised, didn't it? I don't lie. I just went to get you some breakfast."

Duo waved towards the tray and Heero looked at it with something like fear in his eyes. He didn't know if he could eat anything, his stomach had been empty for so long. He cramped up just thinking about putting food into his mouth. Duo watched the expression on Heero's face and scowled.

"You're going to eat every bite, do you hear me? This was a stupid stunt you tried to pull and you know it. Honestly Heero, starving yourself! You're endangering us and the mission by driving yourself to this weak condition. What if Oz attacked right now? What if you had to fly Wing Zero in this condition? You'd be killed for sure and you might get the rest of us killed right along with you. What a stupid, selfish thing to do, Yuy. You know better," Duo scolded, violet eyes flashing dangerously.

A blush of shame rose to Heero's cheeks and he hung his head guiltily. He had no excuse for his actions. If he had known about it, Dr. J would have called him back for immediate retraining. There is no use in war for an unhealthy soldier. 

"I'm sorry—"

"Save the apologies," Duo snapped. "Just eat, okay?"

Heero nodded trying to control the shaking in his hands. Duo hadn't forgiven him yet, would probably never forgive him now. He'd put himself and the others in jeopardy because of his own selfish weakness. He really had become useless.

Keiji-chan… 

Heero shivered and covered up the involuntary action by reaching towards the tray on the bedside table. Under Duo's watchful eyes he began to eat. He managed to get down all of the fruit and two pieces of toast but the plate of eggs was too much for his shrunken stomach to handle. He had only eaten two bites before he had to stop for fear of throwing up all he had managed to keep down so far. Duo watched him pause in his eating with sharp intensity and Heero squirmed under that stare.

"Full already?" he asked, the question lilting dangerously.

Heero nodded, his gaze avoiding the yellow mess of egg on the plate and waiting for Duo's reprimand. It didn't come.

"You can have the rest of it later then," Duo said, clearing away the plates with calm efficiency. Once everything had been stacked neatly on the tray he sank down unto the bed next to Heero and folded his hands in his lap. "So, you wanna tell me what last night was all about?"

"Didn't Quatre already inform you of everything?" Heero spat, bitterly, anger at the blonde's violation of his most private memories rising again.

"No, he didn't." Duo scowled. "He's your friend, though God knows why, and I know him well enough to say that he doesn't go around spilling his friend's secrets. Besides which, I don't want to hear about it from Quatre, I want to hear it from you."

"It's none of your business," came the sulky reply.

"Oh I think it is," Duo retorted. "I think there's a lot of things you refuse to tell me and it's making _me_ go out and get drunk in the middle of the day, and it's making _you_ starve yourself to death, so I really think it's time you 'fessed up Heero before something worse happens."

Heero's lips pressed themselves together tightly, as if his secrets would spill out between them unbidden if given half a chance. Duo watched this and sighed, feeling at once very tired and frustrated.

"Why can't you trust me?" he asked, allowing the hurt he was feeling to creep into his voice.

Heero's eyes widened in surprise. "I do trust you," he protested.

"Do you? I don't think you do, otherwise you wouldn't be so reluctant to tell me whatever it is you're feeling." Duo felt his emotions bubbling out of control and worked to keep from shouting at the boy sitting across from him. "Didn't I tell you about L2 and living on the streets? Didn't I tell you about Solo and Sister Helen and Father Maxwell? Didn't I tell you about my _profession_ before G found me and made me into a Gundam pilot? Damn it Heero, I confided in you! I told you everything, everything! And I trusted you enough to think that you wouldn't run away or be disgusted with me. So why can't you do the same for me?"

Heero's hands curled into fists, which he drove into the bed sheets with vehemence. "It's not the same," he cried. "It wasn't your fault that you lived on the streets or that Maxwell Church got destroyed. You didn't deserve to go through that. _I_ deserved it! It was my fault that she—" Heero clapped at hand over his mouth as if trying to push the words back in.

"What was your fault Heero? She who? Goddamn it _tell me_!"

"You want to know?" Heero asked dully. "You swear you won't leave if I tell you?"

Duo felt hope shoot through hi, and he grasped desperately at the straw Heero offered. "Yes. _Yes_. I swear by any and every God in the Universe I will stay right by your side, you just have to tell me what's wrong, tell me _something_."

Heero sighed and steeled himself, filing through his memories like they were mission reports and selecting an appropriate place to start.

"I was a bad kid," he said. "I was always causing trouble for my parents and we didn't have much money so there was already plenty of trouble for us without me adding to it. I don't remember my father very well, except that his hands were very large and he wasn't Japanese. I think he was American, his eyes were blue, like mine. He left when I was about two years old and mother always told me I made him leave because I was bad. So I tried hard to be good for her but it wasn't easy. The kids used to make fun of me because I was a half-breed and I always got into fights. 

"When I was bad mother would discipline me so I'd become stronger. It hurt and I didn't like having to go to school with marks because then people would stare and start fights with me, but I deserved the punishment for being bad and Mother always hugged me and told me she l-loved me after so that part was nice. Sometimes she'd say that while she was hitting me and I remember thinking of all the other grown-ups saying those words to each other and wondering if beneath their clothes, their arms were black and blue like mine. 

"One day I was really bad. One of the daughters of my mom's friend tried to kiss me and I pushed her down. Mother was so mad she got out the wooden cutting board to hit me with and when she was finished she was crying just like I was and I wondered why. Then she stopped crying and told me…those words again. Lots of times. And I kept waiting for her to pick me up like always but…I must have blacked out, because when I woke up she was already cold beside me, a hole in her head and the gun in her hand."

Duo listened to this tale told in flat monotone with growing horror. _'God, no wonder Heero's all fucked up. I've been roughed up before as a kid but never by someone who claimed to love me. Is this what Quatre saw?'_

"I left the house and wandered the streets a while until Odin found me and took me in. We never spoke of my parents or my past and I never told him my real name. It was better that way."

"Heero…"

The short-haired pilot raised his glance to Duo's, defiance and something deeper sparkling in his eyes. "So now you know. My mother killed herself because of me and I'm still the useless little kid I always was, only now I destroy other people's lives as a job, a hobby, hey sometimes it's even _fun_."

"Stop that!" Duo shouted, grabbing Heero by the shoulders and shaking him hard enough that his head snapped back and forth like a ragdoll's. "That wasn't your fault!"

"Oh come on," Heero sneered. "My mother committed suicide for me—"

"Your mother committed suicide for herself so she wouldn't have to deal with the guilt of what she'd done to you. God, Heero don't you see? That wasn't love that made your mom beat you and it sure wasn't love that made her pull that trigger. It was selfishness, pure and simple, and if I had her in front of me right now I'd smack her a good one for making you go through that."

Duo pulled Heero closer and rested their foreheads together, looping his arms around the other boy's neck. "I'm not going to leave you," he murmured. "I'm not going to hurt you or myself and call that love. That's not love. _This_ is love." He kissed Heero's lips. "And _this_ is love." Duo's hands threaded themselves through Heero's hair and started to stroke the silky locks in a soothing motion. "And _this_." Cheeks were suddenly pressed together as Duo nuzzled the other boy's skin and breathed in the soft scent of gunpowder and grass. 

"I'm not going to leave," Duo whispered once more and this time Heero melted inside the embrace and let himself believe.

To Be Continued.


End file.
